Adjustments

Leaving something you have been doing for a long time, even when it is something that doesn't make you happy anymore is a big adjustment.  It's kind of like getting new shoes.  Your old ones are worn, but they are stretched out and comfortable in all the right places and it's hard to give them up.  New shoes need to be broken in, no matter how well they fit, because the shape of your foot, your arch, your funky toe, have to stretch the material to make them truly comfortable.  And so it has been with this transition.

I know this is the right decision for me.  I am certainly less stressed and anxious.  However, the adjustment has been challenging.  It has taken a while to get comfortable with the idea that I don't have somewhere to be or something specific to do.  I have been drifting along with no definable purpose, and no idea how to get moving again.  There are so many things I want to accomplish, and I have had no idea where to begin.

Then I realized that I was in a period of mourning - not for the job itself, but for the things that went along with it.  The job was a major part of my life for a decade and greatly defined my sense of self.  The relationships I had there also shaped me, and those relationships will be different now.    

Some will certainly survive, but they will still be different.  

Fear of the unknown is one of the greatest motivation killers in the world.  Sometimes, doubt keeps us from moving forward.  What if I fail at this?  I knew my capabilities in my workplace, but do I have the discipline to motivate myself in this new incarnation?  Can I maintain my current lifestyle "doing what I love"?  

The new shoe is still a little uncomfortable.

Getting here

Truth is, I don't really play well with others.  I'm not good at pretending that I'm OK when I'm not, or that I like something (or someone) when I don't.  I tend to say what I think, and I think a lot of stuff is BS.  Most people really don't like it much when you call them out on something, especially if it isn't very flattering to them.  


I have worked in office jobs most of my adult life.  I have the (un) fortunate ability to learn quickly and well, with an eye for detail and accuracy.  This usually translates into two things:  co-worker resentment and extra work.  Out of resentment, they do less than they should, and you do more.  The more you do, the less they are required to do, and the less they do, the more you end up having to do.  Not very conducive to office harmony.


I recently quit my job after more than ten years.  I was tired of trying to play by rules that kept changing, and losing myself in the process.  I was very tired of the pettiness, the backstabbing and the passive aggressive behavior inherent in office politics.  I quit suddenly, without notice and without too many regrets.  I wanted my life back.


Not too long ago, I came across a simple pendant that said, "Do What You Love".  I bought the pendant - and the philosophy.  I have decided to do the things I love, and to find happiness in the things I do.  


My game.  My rules.  My life.